


I'll decrypt you wide awake

by SanAnn



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-27
Updated: 2012-04-27
Packaged: 2017-11-04 10:26:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SanAnn/pseuds/SanAnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a J2 AU story in which Jared is a computer genius and Jensen is his unsolved mystery, the Voynich manuscript.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll decrypt you wide awake

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the following, to understand the story better. Thank you.
> 
> >>> The Voynich manuscript is a handwritten book thought to have been written in the early 15th century. Generally presumed to be some kind of ciphertext, the Voynich manuscript has been studied by many professional cryptographers, yet it has defied all decipherment attempts.
> 
> >>> Ciphertext is the result of encryption performed on plaintext using an algorithm, called a cipher.
> 
> >>> Secret key in cryptography is a piece of information that determines the functional output of a cryptographic algorithm or cipher. Without a key, the algorithm would produce no useful result.

The house still looks and smells the same. _So wrong_.

Jared comes home after his grandmother’s funeral and takes a seat in the couch. He carefully places a hand on the next cushion – _her place_ – and keeps it warm.

He fixes his gaze on the door and waits, solving the formulas in his head to not get bored.

Darkness falls a few hours later, and it becomes impossible to see clearly. Jared scratches his forehead in perplexity, and then, averts his eye from the door, sighing.

“Hey,” he says softly to no one in particular and hopefully waits for an answer.

 

 

 

It takes two weeks to reach a decision after running through all the possible scenarios in his head.

Jared calculates, draws the plans, and writes the numbers holding one pencil in his mouth, the other one in his hand. In the end, all the scribbled papers tell him to sell a house and move to San Francisco.

Jared doesn’t know why San Francisco, but he likes how it sounds. To Jared, it sounds like hope and finding the new _him_.

When he tosses the coin to put the weight of decision on its shoulders, the coin tells _San Francisco_ and not _Chicago_.

Jared beams as if he won.

 

 

 

Jared calls his boss with grandma’s voice in his head telling him, “Do not mumble, darling, and tell him what you need straight away.”

Jared’s spare fingers are busy typing words that make no sense on the laptop keyboard. _Light distraction_.

“Hey, Mr. Broke, I’m moving to San-Francisco. I can work on writing the codes for the programs from there. I can keep emailing my work to you. As usual. But I’m moving.”

In answer Mr. Broke has a lot of “why’s” and “if’s”, and Jared patiently explains.

The conversation gets boring, and Jared starts working on a new code when Mr. Broke finally finishes with, “Okay, Jared, but let me know if you’re planning to change your bank account. And please, email me your new address once you’re settled.”

Jared politely nods in answer, though, he finds it stupid. Of course, he’d write him. He knows which things are to be informed of.

When Jared realizes that nodding is not efficient for a phone conversation, he adds, “okay, Mr. Broke.”

He almost ends the conversation, in the middle of putting his cell phone away, when he remembers one more thing and swiftly puts the cell back against his ear to add hastily, “Bye, Mr. Broke.”

 

 

 

Jared is good with programming and writing codes. It’s pretty fascinating. Numbers are logically related, and there’s a connection between the numbers; one linking to another, and each one tells its own delightful story.

It’s as exciting as reading a new book.

Mr. Broke says that Jared is a genius.

Jared likes this definition. It’s good; it’s nice to being called “genius” instead of “slow” and “geek”. Jared is neither of those; it’s not his fault that people around him are not caring enough to understand him.

His grandma used to say that he’s extraordinary.

Jared is extraordinary.

 

 

 

Jared’s bags are packed and waiting by the door.

Jared looks around and feels a pang of guilt. He needs to explain.

“I’m not betraying you. I just have to move on. You left me, and I can’t be alone in this house. I need to move because there’s something waiting for me out there. All I have to do is to move. Please, let me.”

Jared’s voice breaks, and he doesn’t like it, frowning. It’s not nice, not what she needs.

“I’m sorry,” he adds.

_Not sorry for leaving, no. Sorry for making it hard for both of them._

The house keeps its silence, and Jared lets out a shaky breath, “Love you, grandma.”

He takes one final look around the house to take and store to memory.

For a moment, Jared thinks he can hear her voice, gentle and soft. Jared shakes his head and walks away, not looking back.

 

 

 

Autumn in San Francisco is warm and smells like summer.

Jared’s new apartment is nice and _his_ , the thought causing him to smile hugely. It’s a start, the beginning of his new life.

The marvelous stage in his life.

Jared’s grandma would be so proud of him.

 

 

 

One day, Jared takes his laptop and walks outside to sit in the park.

He finds a lonely bench at the end of the park with no one in sight.

Jared’s hoodie is comfy and warm on his body; his sneakers tap a beat on the pavement along with Jared’s clicking on his laptop.

When Jared tilts his head up, he can observe the leaves coloring the trees with green. Jared likes to watch sunlight pouring through the leaves. He can see the leaves’ skeletons and green flesh covering the bones.

Jared puts the laptop aside and closes his eyes, feeling the sun’s rays on his face, drowning into the warmth, color and brightness.

It feels like a dream. Maybe Jared fell asleep without noticing.

There’s something wet dripping on his fingers, and when Jared opens his eyes, he is faced with a big, enthusiastic dog that licks his fingers once more, and then, barks happily looking at him as if offering him to play with her.

Jared wonders if the dog will find it offensive of him wiping his fingers against his hoodie when a male voice calls out, “Sadie!”

The dog turns away from Jared for a moment, and Jared quickly uses the moment to wipe his fingers clean, feeling somewhat guilty.

Then, there’s a guy in front of Jared, and Jared finds himself unprepared.

The guy is fascinating. Beautiful and solid. Shorter than Jared but still, he is tall. He has green eyes that remind Jared of leaves. Maybe he belongs to nature. He sure doesn’t look ordinary.

He’s like unsolved code or a cipher. Jared’s brain starts working immediately, collecting the visual information.

Jared tilts his head to the side and keeps calculating the scripts the guy is made of.  When Jared reaches 37, the guy opens his mouth to say, “I’m sorry. Did my girl disturb you?”

His voice is rich and deep, and Jared wants to lick inside his mouth to taste it and try to catch the words against his tongue. Jared frowns for a moment, considering possible answers his request might evoke.

“I’m sorry, are you okay?” the guy comes closer, and Jared finds with a great delight that his face is covered with freckles.

It just can’t get better than that. The guy has everything.

This guy is Jared’s Voynich Manuscript. And maybe, Jared doesn’t mind if he won’t solve it. This guy is extraordinary.

Jared smiles happily, “I found you.”

The answer brings confusion to the guy’s face, and Jared forces himself to use “normal” words, chewing on his lower lip, “I’m okay, thank you. Your dog is very nice.”

These words seem to fit as they bring a bright smile to the guy’s face, and Jared adds another six scripts to the description.

Jared tries to count the freckles on the guy’s face, and for a moment, he starts contemplating if he made this guy up as this day is reaching the borders of being “perfect”, which is unusual and uncommon.

When the urge to poke the guy in order to make sure that he exists becomes unbearable, Jared shoves his hands in his hoodie’s pockets.

“You don’t mind if I join you?” asks the guy.

And instead of voicing out his thoughts, “ _Not at all. Can you come home with me as well? I need to solve you,_ ” Jared settles with a firm “no”.

“Jensen,” says the guy after sitting down and offering his hand for a handshake.

“Jared,” Jared responds, pulling out his fingers from the hoodie to tighten them against Jensen’s warm fingers, muttering “it’s better than poking”.

Before Jensen can react to these words, Sadie pads closer to rest her head in Jared’s lap, and Jensen says with visible awe in his voice, “She never did this before. She doesn’t like strangers.”

Jared only smiles and scratches behind Sadie’s ear. Sometimes animals understand things better than humans. She can easily become his ally.

The two of them need to find a way to convince Jensen that he is what Jared has been looking for. He is Jared’s unsolved mystery, and he belongs to Jared.

Jared found him.

 

 

 

When Jensen walks him home (which is very generous and unexpected, and perhaps it has something to do with Jared saying out loud “I live nearby. Can we go now?”), Jared sorts all the combinations in his head in an attempt to start the process of bonding Jensen to himself.

When they reach Jared’s apartment block, Jared’s brain is out of time to come up with the best solution, settling with a random sampling.

“Tell me all about yourself,” Jared blurts out while his hand twitches as if wishing to open the laptop that is held under Jared’s armpit to write Jensen’s answers down.

“I’m afraid we don’t have _that_ much time,” Jensen smiles sweetly, and Jared tries to look deeper, searching for mocking and not finding any. _Disturbing_.

It’d be the perfect chance to mocking Jared, usually, that’s what people do, and Jensen is declining his chance now.  This is so perplexing and inextricable.

Jared needs his laptop to write down all Jensen’s scripts and not forget any. Jared’s leg twitches. _What if he started forgetting already?_

“Please, follow me into my apartment,” Jared begs Jensen before turning and running upstairs, holding the front door open for a few seconds allowing Jensen to enter, and after, fleeing to his own apartment on the second floor, opening the door and not bothering to close it.

It should stay open for Jensen.

Jared opens his laptop and starts making a list, while flopping on the couch and slipping out of his jacket.  




“Is it you being rude or is it you being–,” Jared raises his head to watch Jensen making a hand gesture before finishing, ”–who you are?”

Jared watches Jensen’s hands for a brief second, one - frozen in the air, another one holding Sadie’s leash, and he accuses himself of disregard (he should pay close attention to every part), before shifting his gaze to meet Jensen’s eyes.

_No, no, no, no. This thing in his eyes, it means no good. Jared should come up with something meaningful and regular. Still, if Jensen is Jared’s Voynich Manuscript, he should trust Jared back. It functions only if Jensen works with him._

Jared takes a long look at the laptop on his lap before closing it, and looking up at Jensen helplessly while he tries really hard to explain himself without speaking in codes.

“I’m not like others. I pay attention to the things I find important. I don’t really like people. I like numbers more. Maybe because numbers don’t insult you or call you names. I can’t do socializing. I tried, I calculated all the options and my exits, and I failed. This is confusing. But I’m not dumb. I’m really smart, you know?! I just don’t see why I need to be bothered by the things that don’t try to be bothered by me.”

Jaredconfesses all in one breath, and then, averts his eyes, feeling awkward and stupid. _So utterly stupid. Too much information. Way too many secrets to give away at once. And what kind of advantage does he have now?_

“Hey,” says Jensen, coming closer and stealing back Jared’s attention, while sitting down next to Jared, with Sadie lying down at their feet and giving them both worried looks.

“Why did you pay attention to me then?” Jensen’s voice is soft, and Jared first wonders how Jensen’s mind works that he pays attention to the things that matter as well, and then, he wonders what to give him in answer.

“You are fascinating. So many little things and pieces. Like the slots, the right ones. The ones I need. You are my unresolved mystery.” Jared rushes to give Jensen a truth, eyes sparkling.

Words are disturbing and not quite enough. Jensen is so much more. Jared could write _Jensen_ in algorithms if only Jensen was interested.

Jensen keeps looking at Jared, gaze intent, and Jared starts feeling nervous and uncomfortable, dying to look away and fighting against it.

Jensen slowly reaches to put a hand on Jared’s shoulder and both of them are suddenly alert, waiting for Jared’s reaction and looking at each other, the air charged.

 _It’s a disaster_ , Jared thinks. _A horrible, horrible mistake_. _It’s too soon._

But nothing happens, Jared doesn’t jerk away from Jensen like he always does with strangers. His shoulder trembles before the light weight and warmth of Jensen’s palm still him.

Jared and Jensen slowly let out a breath.

Jared watches Jensen’s lips stretching in a bright smile, “Well, we can start with being friends.”

Jared flashes Jensen dimpled smile because Jensen is more than just wonderful. Jensen does wonders.

 

 

 

Jensen works as a bartender, and Jared makes it his mission to memorize all the ingredients to the cocktails Jensen provides his clients with.

Jared dismissed Jensen’s idea to visit him one day at his bar and see him working there. Jared knows how such places are, crowded, loud and smoky.

These places are too hot for Jared.

Not enough air to breathe. People distracting him from thinking.  Too many bodies accidentally bumping into him. Meaningful places.

Jared prefers to stay at home or at Jensen’s. But just the three of them, including Sadie. Jared never visits Jensen when he has friends over.

Jensen drops any attempts of convincing Jared to meet his friends, because Jared starts mumbling excuses and quickly gets unhappy and upset.

Jensen says he prefers usual-Jared to sad-Jared which makes Jared beam at him and want to kiss him.

And yes, the kissing part.

Lately, it gets hard for Jared to concentrate while watching Jensen talking or just breathing.

The definition of “friends” Jensen suggested doesn’t include the kissing part, and Jared’s definition of Jensen being his “unsolved mystery” includes kissing, having sex (lots of sex), being happy and dying in one day.

Jared has a code for every part of Jensen, starting with his hair and down to his toes. He happily enjoys looking at every part, but in order to learn more, he needs to taste every bit, preferably by licking and biting.

Some parts of Jensen are hidden beneath his clothes, and Jared wouldn’t mind it if only he’d be the one allowed to touch the hidden parts.

 

 

 

One day, when Jensen is at work, Jared makes a list of things they do together and adds important notes in brackets.

 

-          _Writing codes together (actually, I write the code, but Jensen is my moral support and attentive listener even though he doesn’t understand a thing)_

-          _Watching TV (mostly, Jensen watches TV, and I watch Jensen)_

-          _Making dinner and eating together (when Jensen cooks, it is heaven)_

-          _Going out together to the park or cinema (on frequent occasions, throwing a coin to decide which one to pick, and sometimes Sadie decides for us with loud barking)_

-          _Listening to Jensen sing while playing on his guitar (actually it’s what only I do, finding Jensen’s voice fascinating, but technically Jensen still hears his own voice while singing)_

-          _Making alcohol drinks (I close my eyes and pick the right ingredients, then, Jensen closes his eyes and mixes them up)_

-          _Drinking alcohol drinks (sticking to the calculated alcohol tolerance we learned through practicing last month)_

-          _Accidentally falling asleep next to each other on the couch while watching TV (sometimes I pretend to be asleep, and I hope that Jensen does too)_

-          _Doing the dishes (okay, I bought dishwashers for both Jensen and myself two weeks ago as a celebration of my salary increment. Jensen didn’t want to take his dishwasher, but I immediately got sad and Jensen had to accept the present. Maybe it’s not a full circle of doing the dishes, still, we hang together when we load the dishes)_

-          _Driving together (Jensen drives and curses the bad drivers while I smile happily in the passenger’s seat, because I love when Jensen curses)_

-          _Grocery shopping (I force Jensen to eat vegetables in exchange for buying him a burger after)_

 

Jared looks at the list and considers if he left out any important points, worry lines forming on his forehead.

The things that are missing from the list to be _complete_ areliving together, kissing and having sex.

Jared needs to start working on those points.

 

 

 

Jared waits for Jensen to settle on the couch with a beer next to Jared before popping the question.

“I think it will be practical and convenient for you to move in with me,” to get his point across Jared nods confidently, and then, he puts his palm against Jensen’s chest to get his reaction straight away depending on Jensen’s heart rate.

“Jared?” Jensen slowly asks.

“Right here,” Jared assures him immediately and stares at Jensen’s chest, frowning. _The heart rate speeds_ _up. Is it good or bad news?_

“Look at me!” Jensen demands, his voice getting higher, and Jared snaps his gaze at Jensen.

 “Why do you want me to move in with you?” Jensen slowly draws the words, watching Jared, and now, Jared is the one being an object of examination.

Jared fidgets and forces himself to stay put. He needs the right words to convince Jensen. And truth doesn’t seem right for his purpose. Still, he never lies to Jensen. You don’t do such things to _that person in your life_.

In the end, Jared chooses to go with bits of truth.

“We practically live together; you spend half of you time here. Your rent is high, and you’re barely managing it. Why not to move in with me? Sadie loves me.” Jared wants to keep going but Jensen sighs, and it’s not a good sigh.

“Jared, you have one bedroom,” says Jensen reasonably, putting his bottle aside and reaching to cover Jared’s hand that is pressed flat against his heart.

“I can sleep on the couch,” Jared offers miserably, knowing that he already lost. “We can find a new apartment with two bedrooms and move in together. Please?”

Jensen looks at Jared. There’s something dark and deep in Jensen’s eyes that Jared doesn’t recognize, and it hurts him. Why can’t all Jensen’s moves come with the manual? It’d be so easy.

But, this is a part of Jensen being his _Voynich Manuscript_ , and Jared is silly to ask for something else.

Still, his heart aches and Jared doesn’t know what to do with that.

“I’ll think about it, okay?” Jensen finally says, and Jared wants to believe him so badly.

Jared stops himself from asking, “when, Jensen, when?” because Jared always _has_ to know the time frame, exact time the decision takes, and he learned that most humans don’t know the answer themselves.

Instead, Jared shakily nods, and Jensen’s face takes a pained expression. “Hey, come here.”

Jensen moves Jared until Jared’s head is in Jensen’s lap. Jensen slips his fingers into Jared’s floppy hair, rubbing his temples and after, lazily stroking through the hair.

Jared lets out a satisfied sigh.

Whenever Jensen does it, it always makes Jared high, as if Jensen penetrates himself into Jared’s skin and blood.

Jared should include this point to his list as well.

 

 

 

A week later, when Jared knocks on the door of Jensen’s apartment, practically bouncing, dying to tell Jensen’s about a new program he finished working on, some stranger opens the door.

 

 

 

When a guy wearing only jeans opens the door, Jared’s smile falters. Jared takes a step back to check if this if the right apartment number, and yes, this one is Jensen’s.

Jared gets angry and starts stammering, words leaving his mouth in a rush, “I need Jensen. Who are you? And what– What are you doing in his apartment?”

“You must be Jared,” the guy smirks up at him, “well, you could play for Lakers if you wanted.”

“My brain is way too high-functioning for me to end up being a basketball player,” Jared explains hastily.

He doesn’t like the way this guy makes him feel, neurotic and insecure. Jared averts his eyes, collecting himself before meeting the guy’s gaze and repeating in a detached voice, “Where is Jensen?”

“Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Christian.” They guy stretches out his hand, and Jared contemplates if he should accept the handshake when Jensen chooses that moment to appear behind Christian.

“Jared!” Jensen exclaims, his face lights up, and he comes to hug Jared. Jared lets him and hugs him back tightly, eyeing Christian who watches them with a thoughtful expression.

“Chris, get inside, I need to talk to Jared.”  Jensen glances over his shoulder at Christian.

“Why don’t you invite him in?” Chris’s blue eyes pierce into Jared’s.

“Christian,” Jensen sounds exasperated, and Jared keeps holding on to him.

Christian disappears inside the apartment and Jensen pulls apart to look into Jared’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and Jared swallows bitterness in his mouth. “He didn’t call before coming. He never does actually.” Jensen chuckles somewhat fondly, and Jared looks away, feeling frustrated and betrayed.

“Hey,” Jensen reaches to pull Jared close, cradling Jared’s head in his palms. “I know how you don’t like sharing me with someone else. But he’s my friend.”

“Like I am?” Jared asks hollowly, confused with Jensen’s “friend” definition.

“No,” Jensen’s fingers brush Jared’s cheekbones. “You are so much more. So much more than that.”

Jared looks right into Jensen’s eyes, and there’s the same deep wild feeling he can’t name.

“Is it good?” Jared whispers, suddenly afraid.

“Yes,” Jensen breathes out, his eyes so close and so unbelievably green. Jared leans down to feel Jensen’s breathing on his skin.

 _Are you for real?_ Jared wants to ask. _Were you sent to me by the nature?_

“Man, pizza is getting cold,” Christian yells from inside the apartment.

“Shit,” Jensen mutters, glancing back.

When he returns his gaze at Jared, the wild feeling is replaced with regret and sadness as he slowly lets go of Jared, and offers, “Wanna join us?”

Jared shakes his head, his vision clouding.

“I don’t want you to go,” Jensen almost begs. “Please, don’t go.”

“Can’t _he_ leave?” Jared says stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No, Jared,” Jensen rubs the bridge of his nose. “He’s my friend. He’ll be staying for a couple of days.”

Jared hates it. A couple of days are too much. This guy, this Christian guy, can’t steal Jensen from Jared for a couple of days!

“Then, _I_ will leave,” says Jared with determination, knowing that Jensen won’t accept it and will cave in to Jared’s idea of throwing Christian guy out.

“If this is your decision–,” Jensen starts, eyes sad.

But Jared doesn’t want to hear the end of it. He turns and runs down the stairs.

_Decision? This is not his decision. This is the only solution he sees._

Outside, Jared leans against the wall, gasping with his mouth wide open, trying to swallow as much air the possible.

His chest is gonna explode any minute now if he doesn’t let out the violent feeling inside him.

Jared tightens his hands into the fists, trying to break free from the rage inside him, and then, he starts walking, speeding up before he breaks into a run.

 

 

 

Jared spends the whole night walking down the streets, shoulders bowed, trying to solve the last puzzle.

_Jensen is so contradictory sometimes. Why can’t he see that he belongs to me, and I belong to him as well? And this Christian guy is just nobody, no-bo-dy.  He won’t stand between us. But what if he does? No, I won’t let him. Jensen is mine. Maybe I need to beat Christian up, steal Jensen and bring him home despite his objection? But, Jensen will get angry, and I hate when Jensen gets angry at me._

Jared sighs and keeps walking. It’s hard to think when you are so miserable.

 

 

 

When Jared comes home, he doesn’t feel good. He starts cataloguing the changes in his body: weakness and tiredness, whole body aches, headache, dry coughing.

This is not good. He’s sick, and he needs his Jensen.

Jared drags himself over to the couch, intending to give Jensen a call, but he passes out the minute his body hits the _cushions_.

 

 

 

_Outside, the snow is falling, white flocks dancing in the air and covering the ground._

_It’s a magical day in San Francisco._

_Jared looks out of the window, eyes dimmed. The cell phone on the table next to him starts ringing demandingly, breaking the silence, and Jared flicks his gaze at the screen, eyes catching caller ID._

_Jared waits for the phone to stop ringing before switching it off._

_His gaze fixes back onto the white nothingness._

_Jared is not lonely._

 

 

 

Jared tries to open his eyes.

There are fingers running over his face, and there’s a voice muttering something softly in the distance.

Jared recognizes the voice, and there’s a tentative smile forming at the corners of Jared’s lips.

When Jared finally manages to crack his eyes open, he’s looking into Jensen’s green eyes. It is amazing.

“I’m gonna kill you, Jared. Once you’re fine, I’m gonna kill you.” Jensen mutters, kissing the corner of Jared’s lips.

Or maybe Jared is only imagining this.

Jared tries to concentrate, but his mind is fuzzy. Jensen’s words and actions make no sense.

Jensen forces Jared to open his mouth, and then there are pills, quickly washed down with water.

“Еasy, Jared.” Jensen looks concerned. Jared wants to ask him what’s wrong, but he falls asleep.

 

 

 

The next few days, Jared spends in bed where Jensen dragged him.

Jensen’s mouth is a thin line, eyes worried, and Jared tries not to upset him even more, feeling guilty without a reason and trying to be a good, obedient patient.

Jensen refuses to give Jared his laptop, instead providing him with a notepad and pencil, and Jared gives him a shy smile in answer. He feels blind and clueless these days, without knowledge of which one of his movements is upsetting Jensen.

When Jensen is busy in the kitchen making him chicken noodle soup, Jared makes a list of things they both do these days.

 

-          I explain what is the nature of influenza is, everyday bringing up new facts, and Jensen keeps forcing me to drink Gatorade when I stop to take a breath

-          When I’m vomiting, Jensen is there to hold me and clean the mess after

-          Jensen checks on me while I’m asleep to make sure that I don’t toss off the two blankets he covers me with

-          Jensen forces me to take Tylenol (the first day it was Ibuprofen), and then, I need to open my mouth to reassure him that I don’t keep the pill in my mouth to spit it out later (it was only one time, c’mon!)

-          I make sure he takes the pills to prevent him from catching my flu

-          When I’m asleep, Jensen goes shopping, buying new packages of Kleenex every day

-          When I’m awake, he lets me watch TV, but not for long

-          Sometimes Jensen joins me and we share the bed, but we don’t talk much, Jensen holds my hand until I fall asleep

-          Jensen kisses me on the forehead to check my temperature

-          I’m afraid to lose him

 

Jared writes the last point, and then, he strikes it out.

Still, his gaze lingers on it.

Jared chews on a pen in contemplation, before underlining the last point, twice.

He folds the list and puts it inside the nightstand drawer.

 

 

 

Jensen joins Jared on the bed when it gets dark, and Jared is sick of sleeping.

Jensen turns on TV, and they decide on watching a re-run of _Firefly._

During a commercial break,without turning his head to look at Jared, Jensen informs him matter-of-factly, “You’ve got a new door lock. I’ll give you the keys later.”

Jared turns his head to look at Jensen in confusion, “What was wrong with the old one?”

Jensen smiles somewhat wickedly, gaze still fixed on the screen. “I broke it. You didn’t answer my calls, and I knew that something was wrong. Your door was closed, but I could hear you cell phone ringing.”

Jensen finally turns to look Jared in the eyes, “So.” He shrugs non-caringly, challenge in his gaze.

“Okay,” Jared rushes to say, taken aback and nodding furiously. “Okay.”

Jensen gives him a satisfied smile and turns his attention back to the TV, “And one more thing, Jared. If you ever pull that _getting yourself sick_ crap and terrify me to death again, I will kill you.”

Jensen sounds serious, and Jared is frustrated, biting his lower lip to stop it from trembling. He hates making Jensen angry.

In answer, Jensen tugs Jared on his side until Jared’s head on Jensen’s chest, and they continue watching _Firefly._

Jared is in the middle of counting Jensen’s heart beats when Jensen kisses his cheek.

 

 

 

Jared gets better, and Jensen allows him to start working on his laptop.

Jared plans to talk to Mr. Broke, and Jensen agrees on one condition – he will talk to him first and set the rules of how many hours Jared can dedicate to his work until full recovery.

After, when Jensen passes Jared the phone, the first thing that Mr. Brooke says is, “Well, Jared, and I thought that my wife was the worst mother hen in the world. You boyfriend could give her a run for her money.”

Jared doesn’t intend to correct him, and he can’t stop beaming the whole conversation.

 

 

 

Jared is working on a new code when Jensen sits down on the bed and quietly waits until Jared finishes.

 It takes five more minutes, and Jared turns to give his full attention to Jensen, smiling gratefully. _No one can complete him as Jensen._

Jensen is frowning, eyebrows scrunched as if he thinks over before sharing the information with Jared.

 “Jensen?” Jared asks carefully.

Jensen raises his head and looks intently at Jared, lips twisted into a crooked grin, “My friend offered me a bartender job at Richmond. The money is really good, and I can share an apartment with him.”

Jared’s chest tightens as his hands grab a fistful of blanket.

_This is wrong. This should never have happened. There’s some error in the coding, and Jared will find it and fix it. Why is Jensen saying all these wrong words?_

Jared thinks his head will explode.

There’s a noise filling Jared’s ears, preventing Jared from thinking. Nothing makes sense. There’s no connection between the numbers. _Jared_ and _Jensen_ should never end with _Jensen_ and _Richmond_.

“Richmond is wrong. There’s an error. Why can’t you see it? It’s erasing me from the formula.” Jared screams because the noise is too loud, and Jensen won’t hear him.

It’s useless. Jensen’s face is pale, but Jared doesn’t know if Jensen understands him.

Jensen touches Jared’s hands, forcing him to let go of the blanket, and Jared is fighting against it, starting to scream until the noise is gone. He is left in the room filled with his own screams, and Jensen’s soothing whispers.

Jared shuts his mouth and hopes for a change, waiting for the numbers in the coding to shift.

Nothing happens, silence bares it all, no distracting sound to cover the _error_ with, and Jared’s body starts shaking.

Jensen reaches to bring Jared close, but there’s not enough air, and Jared gasps, trying to pull away from him.

“Why-do-you-suffocate-me?” Jared hiccups.

 Jensen moves, bringing Jared down with him, until he fully covers Jared’s body on the bed, keeping him in one place.

“I’m sorry,” there are tears in Jensen’s eyes, and Jared stops fighting him, perplexed and frightened. _What is happening with them?_

“Sometimes I don’t even remember my life before you,” Jensen whispers and rests his forehead against Jared’s.

They share air in silence until their breathing evens out.

Jared closes his eyes, fingers hesitatingly reaching Jensen’s face. Jared’s finger pads trace down Jensen’s cheekbones as if to wipe away the tracks of his tears, and then, they stop against Jensen’s lips.

“I counted 367 scripts you are made of so far. Your face has only 118,” Jared shares and then, Jensen’s lips are opening, letting Jared’s fingers in.

Jared immediately opens his eyes and pulls away to look at Jensen, fingers tilting Jensen’s chin.

Jensen meets him with bright eyes and a hopeful smile, and Jared never saw him like this, “Jared, breathe out and tell me more.”

Jared wonders what it all means, but he continues, swallowing hard and trying to shift before his erection gets painfully obvious, “You are my _Voynich Manuscript_. My ciphertext. I don’t think I will ever decrypt your ciphered information. But I love all your codes. ”

Jensen “hmm”’s in agreement, his smile getting bigger, and Jared wonders what he missed.

“Do you know what is part of my encryption cipher, Jared?” Jensen asks, eyes glistening.

“Your secret key?” Jared asks in excitement, eyes widening. _Of course! Jensen is too highly encrypted to_ not _come with a secret key. Why didn’t he think of this before?_

Jensen presses down Jared’s body and whispers, “It’s you.”

And then, he kisses him.

Jared loses his ability to think, thoughts scattering, while his emotions burst inside his chest, and Jared can’t follow. Jensen outsmarted him. There could never be Richmond. It was all about Jensen, Jared, the ciphertext and key.

Jared wants to scream out loud and write on the walls for everyone to see, “Jensen is genius.”

When Jensen wants to pull back, Jared almost panics and quickly takes control, pulling Jensen down and deepening the kiss.

It’s like all Jared’s numbers get connected with Jensen’s words, codes turning into the melody Jensen likes to play on his guitar, happiness flowing though Jared like Jensen’s song, sweet and hopeful notes.

Jared can’t tear his lips away, tongue licking inside Jensen’s mouth, tasting, and everything feels perfect and colorful, and Jared will explode with how amazing this all is.

Jared manhandles Jensen until Jensen is under him, and the laptop ends falling down on the carpet.

Jensen laughs happily when Jared starts kissing his neck, “Jared, check if your laptop is okay. I know you want to.”

Jared bites and sucks on Jensen’s neck, leaving a bruise, and Jensen sucks a breath, gasping.

Jared quickly glances away to take a look at the laptop.  It seems fine, and Jared doesn’t even care right now. _And how can Jensen be so perfect and offer laptop checking?_

Jensen knows him, and somehow even understands him, and he won’t leave him. _Isn’t this the definition of “perfect”?!_

They kiss hungrily, and Jensen whispers, “Jared”, hands landing on Jared’s lower back, pulling out Jared’s shirt to touch his skin, and Jared moans, urging for more.

Jared wants so much and he wants to give so much, his head is spinning and he wants it all.

Jared moves to straddle Jensen’s hips and tries to take Jensen’s clothes off, frowning at Jensen’s jeans that aren’t willing to be pulled down, “they try to interrupt me.”

Jensen laughs a little, moving up to catch Jared’s lips, and Jared kisses his laugh away while stripping Jensen.

Jensen’s hands hover over Jared’s body, pulling at his clothes, lips reaching for new parts to kiss until Jared is fully naked as well.

Jared stops the kissing by pushing Jensen down onto the bed to take in the full view of Jensen’s body.

Jared licks his lips looking down at Jensen who has freckles everywhere and is a perfect present to Jared by the nature.

Jared bets Jensen’s body deserves about 400 scripts more. How can even this beauty be described with words and not numbers?

“Jared, what are you doing? Come here.” Jensen sounds hoarse, his hand grabbing Jared’s bicep and tugging Jared down.

Jared willingly follows the lead, planting one hand down on Jensen’s chest and leaning down to share information with Jensen, “I wanna learn how many times I can make you come today.”

Jensen hisses and cups Jared’s face to crash his mouth into Jared’s. They kiss as if it’s the last time, desperate and messy, and Jared doesn’t want to recall the time he didn’t have it.

The first time with Jensen has to be considered and measured, Jared gave it a thought after all, and it’s not Jared’s first sexual encounter.

But when Jensen grabs his ass, and rolls Jared down, switching their positions, Jared loses his breath for a second and ends up blinking up at Jensen in confusion.

 _This is unexpected_.

Jensen drags his teeth along Jared’s jaw, hands sliding down Jared’s chest, and Jared shivers.

Jensen’s thumb rubs over the slit of Jared’s dick when Jensen brushes his mouth against Jared’s lips, “Wanna fuck you first, Jared. Please.”

And Jared breaks, mumbling the litany of “yes”.

Jared looses it, forgetting about the numbers or scripts, counting or calculating. He is drowning inside the sensations Jensen brings, and it’s unpredictable and mind-bending.

Jensen is an unstoppable force, and Jared is not an immovable object when it comes to Jensen.

 

 

 

Jensen is inside him, making Jared beg for more, fucking him with sharp snaps of his hips, and Jared doesn’t want to break apart, dying to expand the feeling as far as they can manage.

It is unbearable and overwhelming. Jared can’t believe that he has it all and it’s so much more than he could ever programmed in his mind.

When Jared gets so high that he’s one step from dying, he catches Jensen’s eyes, desperate to see him before he breaks.

“Jensen,” he whispers, finding himself in Jensen’s eyes, finding the key, “Jensen.” The wave of his orgasm hits Jared, and he cries out, fingers digging into Jensen’s shoulders in order to not disappear.

Jensen follows him moments later, thrusting inside Jared a few more times until he’s shuddering, his mouth finding Jared’s to share one air with him.

 

 

 

Jared wakes up next to a slumbering Jensen, and he can’t stop the smile from forming on his lips.

“You are my _Voynich Manuscript_ ,” Jared whispers and kisses Jensen’s shoulder.

Jensen cracks his eyes open and looks at Jared with the same deep feeling in his eyes, which Jared can finally name it now.

Jared wants the earth to stop, because there’s no higher purpose it can achieve.

“What will happen if you decrypt me one day, Jared?” Jensen sounds serious, and Jared frowns, shifting until he puts Jensen’s palm against his own heart, and looks into the green eyes.

“The key is useless without its ciphertext. The minute the ciphertext is gone, the key will stop functioning.” Jared presses Jensen’s palm harder. “You can always check to catch when it stops.”  Jared says sincerely.

“It’s my job to make sure it won’t,” Jensen figures out and grins at Jared.

“Deal,” Jared agrees, and Jensen pulls him down for a kiss, making it official.


End file.
